Full Darkness

So tired...

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 20:58:50 GMT

Yesterday was SO much fun. I went shopping with my bff, Tricia, and I got Finger 11 and this other CD where I can't remember the name but I figured it'd be good to listen to when I have a bad day. Trish and I went to my mom's, where I was pleasantly surprised by meeting my 3 beautiful friends Amber, Liz, and Kaylen. Mariel, also beautiful, came by later. Then later on that night, Trish and I stayed up all night, talking about everything and nothing; it was great. Unfortunately I haven't slept in 36 hours, but oh well; life goes on. I babysat today, see, for these 2 little girls. The youngest one is sweet, but so fucking whiney! I wanted to SHOOT HER! In a good way though, as she is rather cute. Anyways, that;s all for now.

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 18:04:04 GMT

So far, my birthday hasn't been wonderful. I was rude to Mom all morning out of sheer desire to cooperate, and then she got really mad at me. We talked about it though, and we both balled onthe phone, and now even though we are over it, I'm still a bit sad; I shouldn't be so sensitive... I've been thinking, what are you supposed to be like at 17? I often wonder what the ideal disposition of a person is meant to be, as surely mine is not it. I have too many flaws including oversensitivity, indecisiveness, and criticalness (although I'm pretty sure that's not a word). I do feel better now, but I have to go to a family birthday party soon where my crazy aunt with her crazy moustache will be constantly treating me as if I'm four, and where my controlling father will be lecturing me when I do one thing wrong. I love my dad, truly I do, despite how much I criticize him, but my interests (reading, writing, New Age, "Friends", and Celtic stories) most certainly do not coincide with his (golf, motorcycles). It's like my friend Amanda says: The teenage girl is a mystery to men of all ages.
Anyways, I had a lot of fun in Nova Scotia. My Grandpa is a very sweet man, and I love the ocean. Halifax was my preferred part of the trip because we stayed with Mom's friend Susan, who is witty, her room mate Robert, flamboyant, and Callie, their dog, a shih-tsu-poodle-mix. How cute... For my birthday, I am getting one. Hopefully next week, although we will need to find one. I'd like to call her Phoebe if it's a girl, or Chandler if it's a boy. Anyways, that's my life. I wish I were more social, but I'm not really in the mood lately.

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 22:34:06 GMT

Yay, I just got back from Montreal with Trish and her family, and it was so fun! I went to Laronde yesterday, and Trish isn't too fond of rides (not everybody is) so I went on a bunch with her sister and her mom. We went on The Vampire, this roller coaster where your legs dangle, and it's SUPER fun. The lines were a little long, especially on this lame orange roller coaster where I got a sunburn waiting, and I got a bit sick from not enough water and too many rides, but it was still really fun. Today we went shopping on St. Catherine Street, and I got LOADS of new stuff: a necklace, earrings, a bracelet, a new purse, and a gift for a friend (but I'm not naming names because you're supposed to think that I bought the gift a long time ago... Okay FINE, Amanda, it's yours). Anyways, now I'm off to dinner with my dad, and then Mariel and I are hanging out.

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 04:53:29 GMT

I'm Rachel Green from Friends!

Take the Friends Quiz here.

created by stomps.

Good Quotes

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 22:09:06 GMT

People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

- Carl Bard

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 05:08:24 GMT

L	Luxurious
E	Emotional
A	Adventurous
H	Happy

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 05:06:10 GMT

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.

What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 04:51:54 GMT

Oh dear, life is boring. I was so bored today that I went shopping alone! Luckily I ran into Tricia's family so Trish, her sister Courtney, and I went shopping. I spent WAY too much money. I bought season 4 of Friends, a make-up bag, and earrings. Did I need any of that? Absolutely not. My mom and I got in a fight, but what's new? We will always have a lovephate relationship. Pleasantville is on. I do love that movie. I always get the guy from Spiderman mixed up with the guy from Donnie Darko. I like Spiderman, but Donni Darko is SUCH a good movie. I also went rollerblading today, which was nice. I have a really big goal to get fit. I feel so out of shape lately. Health has been important to me, ever since attempting (sometimes successfully) recovery. I should try to eat more food from different food groups. Macaroni and cheese is good, but come on now; there's more to dietary life than complex carbohydrates. Anyways, that's my life. Oh, also, not to brag because I know there is definitely higher, but I took a premium IQ test and my IQ is 133. Who knew? I'm good at languages and history and socoal sciences, but NOT math or science, which are "conventionally smart" things. Maybe I shall try harder next year so as to reach my full potential. Here is one of the millions of poems I've written lately.

IRONY'S THE WORST HATE
Silence is the worst noice
Darkness is the worst light
Goodbyes are the worst closure
Apathy is the worst fight

Fucking up is the best way to learn
Anger is the best way of expression
Tears are the best way of feeling better
"We all die" is life's best lesson

What we know is a simple twist of fate
But irony is always the best form of hate

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 17:22:45 GMT

I'm dying my hair this evening. it's gonna be REALlY blone on the top half, and really black underneath so that when i wear my hair up (aka always), u can see the black part. it's gonna look so good. i kinda wanna learn the guitar... does ne1 have one for sale? or even that's not for sale, but that u wanna give me? come on, u know u wanna... i've been spending lots of time locked in my room lately, writing poetry. most of it is really just a rant that doesn't sounnd very good, but some of it's pretty good. i mainly just write to get all my issues down on paper; it really makes me feel better. better than therapy, even! i feel like a loner, but lately i just haven't been in the mood for friends. sometimes i get lonely so i hang out with people, but then the whole time i wish i was back in my room, reading or writing with my music blasting. i'll work things out, though. it's not that i don't love my friends; i do, more than anything, but sometimes i just need my space; atm, it's lots of space. my mom wants to hang out with me this evening. i don't really feel like it, but we're going to the food court and i do love pizza, so that's always good.

FUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 03:33:57 GMT

I think I should be writing more poetry;I am so fucking angry and frustrated and strangely depressed lately, for no reason. One little thing will set me off, and BAM! I'm all upset. Dear me, I need therapy. No, that's not true. I should just write more. it does help, i hafta say. it gets it all out there on paper. jofsdsdiogfuhfudoshvcosduhfoubfes. that feels better. for anyone who happens to not know english very well, that is not a word. so ya, if i'm bitchy or angry, don't take it personally. it's prolly one of those teen hormoney thingys, as trish says. and if not, then i'm just a crazy psycho with no accurate or efficient way of expressing herself. either way, i shall now apologize in advance for freaking out @ you. another thing. when did i ever start trying to dress all feminine? i mean obviously i am a girl, i like girl clothes, but when did i try to be all perfect and girly and the ideal woman and shit? probably right smack in the middle of grade 9, when all my other dumb perfection issues started. from now on, i will be completely myself. i will not care what anyone else thinks. i have always wanted to learn the guitar; maybe i shall save my $$$ up to get one, and then try to teach myself. i feel like pizza. (if i told that to my dad he's say "well you don't LOOK like a pizza!" and then strut away chortling to himself). i'm going to walk willow.

Hooray for Tricia!

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 02:51:18 GMT

I've had SUCH a good past couple days. I went to my dear friend Tricia's house and although we hadn't talked much in the past couple weeks due to stupid reasons, we are back to being in our usual best friend sort of state. We hung out at her house and had amusing adventures with Reba, American Idol, Courtney, menstruation, Greek salad, and couches. It's nice to have friends with whom I can do nothing in particular with, yet still have the time of my life.
On another note, I really need a new bed. I was rearranging furniture in September when it broke, and I was scared to tell me dad because at the time he was worried about work and money issues. I'm still a bit sheepish to ask him now though, because he might think I'm dumb for waiting for so long. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow though, just for kicks. I'm a bit tired of having to sleep upside down in order for my back to be straight. Anyways that's pretty much it for now, but I shall write again soon.
Oh dear, there's no good food in the house.

It's been so long!

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 19:04:23 GMT

I went through a faze where I didn't want to write in my journal anymore, but I do miss it. Plus, there are friends I have who I don't always get to see. This can be my way of updating people on my life.
Anyways, this Friday I shall be helping out at a senior's home, which should be fun. I want the experience just to get out there and work with people, and I think it'll be quite enjoyable, too. Plus, not to sound superficial, but it'll look good on a resume. I've also been babysitting every Tuesday, which is nice. The girls are so cute, especially the older one. The 2.5 year old is a bit gross, and it's not just me-ask Elizabeth! So therefor, I am not an evil person for being slightly disgusted by a helpless little toddler. I told them I'd make them cookies for tonight, so I should really get on that.

This thing is good...

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 18:57:56 GMT

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Take Free 16pf based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 05:32:08 GMT

Not too much has been going on lately; Liz, Kaylen and Alex slept over, which was fun. We watched "Not Another Teen Movie". It was so hilarious; I'd forgotten how funny it was. There is no good food in this house, and I'm hungry. Hahahahahaha, the story of Mariel's life... Kidding! Babysitting was fun because the girls were really cute and nice. The only drawback is that I have to hold the younger one over the toilet when she poops; eewwwwwww. I'm going to be probably vounteering at an old age home; that could be quite fun. I do love working with people, and I haven't gotten my volunteer hours filled out. I dropped a bunch of resumes a few days ago, which is always good. I'm going to apply to Rogers Video, too. Anyways that's pretty much my life lately, for better or worse. I'm sort of sad, but for no real reason. Life is good, though. I do love my friends.

Blah Blah Blah...

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 03:27:55 GMT

I haven't written much lately; I suppose I have nothing to say. Not too much is new. Canada Day was really fun; I got piss drunk. I told Mom I've been drinking, that was okay but it could have gone a lot better. I went to the beach today. It was good. Kaylen came home from a family vacation, wo we get to hang out again; yay for badminton! I do love badminton. I get to babysit soon, and I love kids and money. After 11 months of obssession, I'm still checking my horoscope every single day. I love astrology. I'm having good times with my friends, although I do really miss Trish and Amanda. I love reading, and I'm reading a lot lately. So if I have all this great random crap, why am I so sad?

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 22:01:46 GMT

Should I make a card and leave it in Lisa's mailbox for her family? I don't know them; I barely even knew her. I don't want to seem intrusive. Maybe I won't, then.

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 00:34:57 GMT

I think that I'm going to email all my friends and family just to say hi.

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 00:27:58 GMT

In grade seven, there was this girl named Lisa. She was really quiet. She never seemed all there; she would be aparatically aggressive, and once she hit me on the shoulder with a hammer. She failed grade eight. She started going to Nepean two years ago. A couple of months ago, she went missing. No one knew where she went. They just found her dead body in a river; she killed herself. I knew her, yet I never went out of my way to talk to her. I'd see her in the hall, and I knew who she was, but I'd never say hi. I wouldn't even smile. It was obvious that something was wrong, but I didn't even try to reach out to her. I don't want to sound self-victimizing, but this has had a big impact on me. In stories, characters die. Authors make it seem entertaining. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but I do know that death is not entertaining. It makes a good story, but real life is not a story and what has happened is fucking awful. When I was counting calories, or stressing about how stupid I was because I couldn't do a fucking math problem, or dreading my next period, Lisa was drowning herself. I was worried about nothing, and she was committing suicide. Anyone could have done something, but no one did. Maybe I should try to enjoy life more; it really puts things in perspective. But then, the other side of it is, why would I try to be happy while completely aware that someone I had a perfect opportunity to associate with no longer exists? I guess all that people can really do is take the best out of the situation, and try their best to reach out to people when they can. At the same time, I don't want to be all stupid and glorifying by telling myself that Lisa's death is positive because it's a learning experience. I suppose that nothing is all good or all bad... I suppose that I'll just try really hard to be nice.

A controversial subject...

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 15:12:02 GMT

I was thinking abot the word "slut". It sounds so harsh. Everyone has a different opinion on what makes a slut. Some might say it depends on what someone wears; for others the only connotation linked to the word is for someone to be promiscuous. I, however, disagree. People have different reasons for displaying sexual behaviour. Some feel comfortable and sexy when they wear revealing clothes. Some like to experiment, just to find out what they do and don't like. Some act in a "slutty" way because they are insecure, and the only way they feel attractive is to sleep around. Other people are just very good at removing emotion from sexual activity, so that it doesn't matter to them who they fuck. Bottom line for me is that I disagree with people portraying someone's reputation as "slutty" to be negative. Obviously I don't think it's the best thing in the world, but I really believe that people should mind their own business and not be so judgemental.

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 16:11:43 GMT

You are the one...the only...Belle. You are spunky
and curious about the outside world, awaiting
your chance to live the adventure you've always
dreamed. Friends and family are important, but
you are mostly independent, seeking what's
underneath, rather than what's on the surface.

A Royal Princess Quiz of a Disney Sort
brought to you by Quizilla

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:32:16 GMT

These past couple of days have been good. I've spent them with Kaylen, Elizabeth, Mariel and Amanda. 'Twas fun. However I have NO clue what I am doing tonight, which is never fun. Anywho, that's pretty much all for nowwwww.

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 14:52:59 GMT

Yay, school's out! have 2 whole months of bliss before my hellish academic life returns to haunt me. Saturday night Elizabeth and Kaylen slept over, which was tres fun. We stayed up until 5, chatting and walking and all that crap. I've finally gotten around to reading Harry Potter, but the thing is, I don't want to read the book to fast because then it'll be over and you can never get the same thrill of reading a book for the second time. I've managed to postpone readint the book so that after a week, I'm only on page 350 or something like that. Oh, but I really want to go read it... Okay, I'm giving into my urges. Harry, here I come...

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 01:27:13 GMT

How many times does it take to feel that sense of accomplishment that everyone wants? How long does it take to know that everything's going to be okay? How long does it take to get to the top of the mountain, and know that you won't slide back down on your ass?

I find my brain asking these questions over and over again. I'm sick of going around in a fucking cycle. I want something new.

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 22:28:44 GMT

This weekend has been rather enjoyable, despite the fact that I haven't gotten around to studying; I was supposed to today, but I slept instead; for 8 hours! Go me!

Anywho, as I was saying, this weekend was un. Friday evening I hung out with Mariel and Amanda, which was enjoyable. I felt sorry for Mariel though, because the poor thing had to work at 1:30 AM. I hope she's feeling okay now... Amanda and I went to Timmy's to chat, which was nice and fun and... I can't think of the word for the adjective I want to say, but I'm grateful that we talked.

Saturday I went shopping with Mom, which makes me happy because I was in desparate need of new clothes. I got 3 t-shirts, 2 tank tops, a pair of capris, 5 thongs, sun glasses, and 2 bras that make my boobs look fucking awesome. Later that day, Amanda, her friend Dana and I went to Westfest. It was slightly boring (the festival; not the company), I must say.

Last night Amber, Kaylen, Liz and Isabelle came over. It was an amusing, immature night of prank calls, falling in water bowls, and various hilarious comments.

And today, slept; go sleep. FUCK I gotta study for exams... Eh, maybe later.

YAY!!!!

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 20:05:56 GMT

Lalalalala, I'm so relieved... I got a job for the summer, sort of. I was in guidance today, doing a guiding sort of thing (well, not really). Then, I decided to snatch a look at the career opportunities board. I saw this advertisement for a lady looking for a babysitter for her two girls this summer. It's once a week, all day... YAY! I clled her, and the job was still available and she seems to want me to babysit. YAAAAAY!! I love kids... I love money... All is good!